I never thought

I never thought it would end.

That I would have to listen to other people's advice,

And stories of me and you, and their untouched meaning in life.

I never thought I would sleep alone.

That you wouldn’t be breathing or dreaming next to me.

That your stubby fingers would uncurl and never reach for my hand or grab my face or run through my hair.

I never thought I would plan a life.

That I would only have me to ask if it’s right,

It only has to be right for me to survive, not even thrive, but that doesn’t seem right.

I never thought it would end.

I could only imagine the grief, but not the rest.

That people move on and continue to love in front of my face, right there, on the couch, on the street,

loving each other when I just watch and wait for it to stop and hope that they remember I had that once too.

I never thought my job would end.

No alarms of panic, no reason to move, no purpose to pursue, none of my information people need.

My mind still full of answers that no one asks.

I never thought you would actually go.

That all the research, stats and facts were really true.

And you had to go without me that morning.

When we hadn’t finished or really started figuring out where you were going or when we’d meet again.

I never thought life would go on.

That I would sleep at night and still wake up.

That sun would rise and set on nature’s time.

I never thought you’d stop at 25.

That your twin’s birthday would be approaching in 2 days but nothing is planned for you.

No present to buy and no card to write.

I never though it would end.

It really doesn’t matter what I thought because the days are moving and I have to leave you forever young while I’m just forever alone.

I never thought I would stay.

I know it’s better to join you but I have to live for everyone else,

even in this amount of pain,

so that they never have to say to themselves;

“I never thought she’d actually do it.”